Just Be Rational and Jerk Off

dodge a bullet

DISCLAIMER : I am a proud Neo-Troll

Feel free to disregard everything I say based on my Troll Status.

For those who stayed; read on,

Let’s say you feel you are in love and you catch yourself thinking about marrying your current girlfriend. In that case I want you to do the following,

1. Be on your own, Grab a piece of paper and write the question:

“Do I want to get married?”

2. Put the page aside and leave the pen on top

3. Jerk off to your favorite porn (NOT INVOLVING YOUR GF).

  1. Immediately after ejaculating clean up & answer the question on the piece of paper.

Yes or No?

Why so hesitant?

See, marriage is an act of visceral and irrational motivation that tends to dissipate after ejaculation, the vast majority of men feel a certain amount of hesitation often mixed with guilt for having a “temporary change of heart”. It is not a change of heart, it is 15 minutes of temporary sanity. Let’s not forget love is a socially acceptable form of insanity but in your case, as a man, your insanity is too costly. Unfortunately you are not safe from suffering this or witnessing someone fall prey of this insanity which really is the worst job on earth.

Let me put it into perspective, let’s say you go to a job interview and you really want the job, then the company says they want you to make a down payment for your job and also get another job to pay for said down payment AND the job your are applying for, because with this job they clearly tell you they do not always pay you, rather you have to pay them to work for them, then they tell you with a straight face they are categorically not joking. Most men would just walk out right? But in this example, for some fucked up reason (unrelated to drugs) you do stay because somehow you are still interested.

Then the company states they reserve the right to terminate your job at any time with or without just reason, also upon termination you agree that most of your assets and income & some family members will be seized for a minimum period of 1.8 decades; irrevocably. Guess what? You still want the job. The reason? You just say with this big, shit-eating grin “I know that won’t happen to me, I am a winner…” then, they give you the job.

You cannot blame that “company” for giving you the worst job available to men: marriage.

After all, in the above metaphor they clearly outlined the list of “liabilities & disadvantages” and the guy still wanted to get royally fucked. And to be entirely honest, said list of “liabilities & disadvantages” is not that far from reality; most contemporary men know how low the success rate of marriage is, how most of the time men lose everything and sadly, most of us have witnessed the delusion in motion because most of us have gone to a wedding where the groom says “I do” with the same shit-eating grin.  

THE ADVERTISED ADVANTAGES

Sex, love and children, in a nutshell men expect a long life of satisfactions with that special woman. What really is surprising is how often both men and women who are affected by this temporary insanity will say something so noble: They want to die of old age together. Dying of old age together is the “golden unicorn marriage” & everyone who believes in marriage almost automatically believes in hunting that noble golden beast of stability peace and tranquility in old age.

THE REALITY

Let me ask you this question, have you seen those elderly people at the convenience store? You know, the ones that spend some or most of their possibly fixed income on lottery tickets If the answer is “yes”, please also answer this hypothetical question “How often do they expect to win the lottery?” Maybe the answer could be “they expect to win with every ticket they buy” think about it, if they did not expect to win, wouldn’t they have stopped buying so many tickets long ago? Let me ask you the same question; Do you expect to win the lottery with every lottery ticket you buy? If you answer is “yes” please stop reading my article. For the rest who stayed and are not dumb beyond repair, the answer is a clear definite “NO” of course you do not expect to win the lottery with every ticket you buy because it would be too damn foolish to monstrously inflate your already very slim chances. Guess what? With marriage your chances to win are even slimmer YET you will foolishly inflate your chances and accidentally become the equivalent of one of those sad, delusional elderly people at the convenience store, even if you are young you risk becoming as sad, blind & delusional.

Now, let me make the job easier, here is where you shoot the messenger and you say “I don’t like this fucking writer” for those who already dislike me, you can stop reading now and go to Jezebel. For those unapologetically masculine men who stayed, the chances of you actually succeeding at hunting the “golden unicorn marriage” are not zero but just very low and chances are you will not give up on her but quite the opposite, she will give up on you. Those chances are very very high because the marriage packages sold by sugar-daddy state nowadays come with a big fat button labelled in bright pink boldface “divorce” said button is exclusive for women to push.

Let’s just face it, most women you were interested in marrying in the past were the ones that would have initiated divorce, had you married them. Yes most of them would have royally fucked you without hesitation. I will not sugar coat it, it does not matter how hard you work at it; statistically speaking it will always be your fault because she will initiate it. (thank you feminism)

You still want the job? All right, let me motivate you a little more, if you do the math how much does the average men pay for divorce settlements? Expensive right? Sometimes billions. Are you rich? Then congrats because you will pay dearly, just like the billionaire Bernie Ecclestone did. He paid a “meager” 1 billion for his divorce settlement. That is some expensive sex over the 23 years of his marriage. For example, just for the sake of argument, let’s be generous and say he fucked her 3 times a day for the 23 years they were married (unlikely but let’s just be generous and assume he, as a breeder, may have used some horse help, you know rich people have eccentric sex), that gives us approximately 26 thousand fucks, then, if he paid a billion…let’s just do some very simple math,  

$1,000,000,000 ÷ 26,0000 fucks = ~$38, 461 per individual fuck.

Yes. an average of $38K per shag.

NOTE: We are not using British pounds or counting pre-marriage gifts, trips, food, accommodations, cars, properties or the average cost per children. Yes, I am a Troll and a heartless bastard but I have my limits & I will not put a price on children, I only calculate the price per fuck the poor rich fuck had to pay.

How much have you/will you pay per each fuck after your divorce? Chances are, a very expensive price per fuck because men pay on average, a very hefty cost per each individual fuck before and after divorce. Here is the insult upon the injury: If marriage was not overpriced prostitution why are the men the ones that pay most of the time for nearly all divorce settlements? Wouldn’t it be more honest to pay nothing to women after divorcing them especially if there were no children?

See? Glorified prostitution.

Faced with these odds, the best thing you can do is be cynical & to be a proper clown, just properly lie to her while looking into her eyes, get the sex and leave. By all means, lie to her about marriage if needed but do not be a fool and lie to yourself; only lie to her for sex but never actually marry her; always avoid the children & the marriage. Don’t feel guilty, it is not like she was gonna spare you the ruin of divorce statistically speaking, most women you meet already have a purse with your name on it next to an engraved “D” to put your cut off balls in. (“D” as in divorce, not as in “dick” you sadistic bastards)

THE SOBERING COLD SHOWER

The prospect is bleak; most of the time you won’t stop a friend or yourself from buying a lottery ticket to win that mythical “golden unicorn marriage” because we are all that foolish at least once in a lifetime. Some of us dodge the marriage bullet, some of us bite it & pay dearly. All we can realistically do in those moments of weakness is to take a piece of paper, jerk off (away from the paper please) and take advantage of those 15 minutes of sanity .

BTW, don’t forget to share this article with a friend who may be at risk of suffering marriage (please don’t be a descriptive weirdo about jerking off, just share the link with your friends)

Lastly, next time you go to a wedding, look at the groom’s shit-eating grin when he says “I do”  & immediately think to yourself,

“I gotta go watch some Porn…”  

Thanks for reading.

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