What follows is a mixture of facts, speculation & satire therefore the adverb “allegedly” prefaces and applies to the whole article.
I am a proud Neo-Troll & I DO NOT represent #GamerGate. Truth with zero protocol will be used; get offended. Feel free to disregard everything I say based on my Troll status.
For those who stayed, read on;
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Feel free to checkout Jack’s site)
Lilly Feng’s Last Delusion
At any given emotionally painful enough point in life, to most of us, suicide becomes an incredibly seductive “solution”.
Almost as if it whispered right into your ear and said:
“I alone am, the solution to all of your problems…”
See? Suicide is very persuasive at falsely convincing us that it can put an end to your all of our emotional suffering. We could be 100% physically healthy and still become obsessed with suicide. So much so that it eventually becomes a full-time undeclared religion for those in pain. Make no mistake, you will put all of your faith in that ultimate false hope; in it “ending” all the pain. But this process is gradual and far from noticeable while under the opium of emotions.
First, you wake up with the firm intention of living but then you catch yourself thinking about death, then you feel that intense guilt, then you punish yourself for even having entertained that thought. Usually, the intense guilt comes from failing to keep the promises you made to those who want you to stay alive because…Well, you “owe” them that. But you? You owe nothing to yourself.
Then something changes. One morning, you wake up with the firm intention of killing yourself but then you catch yourself thinking about living, then you punish yourself for even having entertained that thought. Yes. It very is subtle. Almost as subtle as a pinless grenade you gently put under your own pillow before you take that nap you yearn. So much so most don’t even hear it ticking.
Those of us who have been unsuccessful at suicidal affairs know that the two possible outcomes. You either:
- Try to commit suicide again and again until you get it “right”
- Or will avoid it entirely
See, it could be a life-long avoidance or, just a temporary one until the delusion sets in again. Thing is, very very few of us are willing to admit that the delusion can happen once again and you will become obsessed with suicide. Almost as if it was a virus of the mind that could infect all of your ideas, abolish your will and irreversibly push you into self termination.
See? It is a delusion.
Also, do you see the convergence? Love and suicide live under the same roof of that vast and familiar empire of emotions. It is a majestic and sublime paradox, almost as if at birth we signed a contract with those tiny and trembling hands still drenched in amniotic fluid:
“I hereby agree that if I fail to love, I will kill myself.”
How does that work? Look at break ups, they seem to be one of the main factories of suicide for our species. All because they failed to yield children. Straight? Gay? Bi? Doesn’t matter, suicide is an equal opportunity employer for those who apply for the ultimate zero sum job.
See, people tend to mince words too much, but truth is, does not matter how smart you are, being young and broken hearted makes you stupid enough to commit suicide. The younger the dumber and the sadder the more delusional it makes you. You could be a fucking genius with a 145 IQ and still off yourself like an actual retard, all because of “feelz”.
See? Love and suicide go by the hand. The younger you are, the stronger they hold hands and the dumber they make you. Of course, we would like to think we control their grip but we are the ones that break under the pressure; we are just the often fragmented bones inside those hands. Love and suicide have quite an unforgiving grip, sometimes fierce, sometimes murderous but people do not seem to mind when taking the gamble of loving someone. After all, those who never take risks never learn to love intensely.
But during a break up? Oh, that is the tightest grip, the one that fragments your emotions, shatters your reasoning and has a full-on collision with your will to live. But take heart! The more break ups you have, you either become more skillful and faster at putting the fragments back together or…you don’t and you just start throwing the pieces away: You no longer care about the jigsaw of life.
Don’t lie to yourself. Life is not pain avoidance, it is pain management.
I wish I had known and explained this jigsaw metaphor to now dead people I cared about. Those? Those were too successful at killing themselves. The women? Many of them said they would “kill themselves” too often and people just ignored them as the kind of women who would just “cry wolf” too often. The men? Those were a “little” different, most did not say anything until the body was found.
See, men and women just tend to be dimorphic about the way they perform their suicide but both share the same intense suffering. The kind of suffering that will inexorably pushe them to kill themselves. It does not look like it but the outcome confirms it: Both men and women suffer intensely enough to kill themselves. Both men and women are invisibly confined into that prison without walls; their last emotional delusion. That confinement can last so many years that at some point, the only “freedom” they yearn is self termination. They become delusional inmates whose last full time job is to “escape” the prison of life because they actively yearn the delusional “freedom” of death.
Women tend to verbally announce more then use pills or less invasive forms of irreversible damage whereas men announce less and usually go for highly invasive forms of irreversible damage. So which one was worse in those I remember?
None. They are all dead.
The women tried so many times they eventually succeeded while the men tried just once and that was enough. BTW, here is where hypocrites try to compete and declare their gender the absolute victim. Truth is, men and women suffer equally otherwise they would not try to kill themselves. In an ideal world, men and women should receive equal help but they don’t.
Sometimes, the dimorphic roles are exceptionally reversed and women suffer in silence and off themselves in incredibly invasive ways (blunt force trauma by an incoming train like in Lily Feng’s case) or sometimes, it is the males that just take the pills. Same difference. Same lethal outcome.
What would you have done with Lily Feng if you could turn back the clock? I think you would have done the same and perhaps you would have tried to talk her out of it.
But would you have been certain she would never have tried again?
How long would you have baby-sat her?
Hours? Days? Months? Forever?
The hard truth is that some of us can learn vicariously but some others only by trauma (suicide included.) Doesn’t matter how hard you try to be persuasive, there is no guarantee you will succeed at preventing their suicide. The reality is that there is no “certificate” that states a suicidal person will not try again.
You should always try to help them but sooner or later you will have to make the admission they are the only ones responsible for staying alive.
The most disappointing part of this event? Even if I had had the opportunity to turn back the clock and explain the jigsaw of life to them, there is no guarantee of success. Some people can learn by verbal warnings, some people only by trauma. No matter how much you care about them, if they are determined to kill themselves, they will not stop trying until they succeed. Do not lie to yourself. You have no real control over their delusional actions.
Again, what are you gonna do? Baby sit them forever?
Perhaps Lilly would have overcome the emotional delusion that lead her into suicide. Or perhaps it would not have made a difference.
Furthermore, were Lilly’s emotions at that point reliable or just part of her ongoing delusion?
Can then emotions that cause these suicidal delusions be trusted?
Look at the people who had one failed suicide attempt and never ever tried again.
Which emotions are real? The ones that led to their failed suicide attempt or the ones that prevented it for the rest of that person’s life?
See? It is a delusion.
How about you reader? Are your emotions real?
Is this rage and this frustration that started the #ChooChooGate/#LillyGate/#RIPTrollingGate real?
Is this anger that motivates you real?
Your anger and emotional pain is like dreaming of going back in time to save Lily Feng from her own delusional emotions.
See? It is a delusion.
Nothing will ever give you closure.
Thank you for reading.